What is civility?
Being civil is being courteous and polite. It’s understanding that your words and actions can have an impact on others.
Civility is how we treat each other; it is how we behave. Some examples of this are:
- Patience. Listening. Tolerance. Mutual respect. Disagreeing without disrespect. Treating others with dignity. Inclusive. Being helpful. Fairness. Saying “Thank you.”
What is incivility?
Incivility is rude or unkind behaviour. Some examples of this are:
- Rudeness. Belittling. Undermining. Gossiping. Attitude. Excluding others. Eye Rolling. Raising your voice. Sharp comments. Talking over others. Being overly critical. Tutting. Sending abrupt emails. Being stubborn or unhelpful.
It's easy to overlook rudeness when we are under pressure. We want to make it clear. These behaviours are not in line with our Trust values:
Compassion, Teamwork, Honesty and Respect.
It is up to us to become more aware of our behaviours and create a culture that we all want to work in.
Challenging rude or unkind behaviour (incivility)
Experiencing and witnessing rude or unkind behaviour can be unsettling. Knowing what to say or do, can help make you feel more confident to challenge this type of behaviour.
The ‘cup of coffee conversation’ is a good way to address rude or unkind behaviour. It’s an informal chat that lets the person know you have witnessed a rude or unkind (uncivil) behaviour. It's important that you try to speak to the person first, before you take any further action.
- You don’t have to do this straight away, but you need to have the chat soon enough after the event so that the person involved can remember.
- Talk about the situation in private so you don’t cause any embarrassment. The person may not know what effect their behaviour is having.
- Ask if everything is ok? Is something happening in their life that is causing stress? Allow them to respond. This can help you understand the situation and offer support.
- Calmly and politely tell them how their actions made you feel. You could use one of the phrases below to let them know that their behaviour is not in line with our Trust Values. Choose one or two, or adapt with your own words:
- I felt upset by the way you spoke to me this morning.
- I wonder if you realise how that comes across?
- I felt disrespected/sad/disappointed when you said…
- I feel hurt/insulted/affected by what you are saying.
- I don’t like those kinds of jokes. Please don’t make them anymore.
- I’m not sure if you realise but what you said felt hurtful/inconsiderate/inappropriate.
By using the ‘I’ statement you are taking ownership. Talking about the situation will help the person understand how their behaviour made you feel. It will also give them a chance to change their behaviour.
You can resolve most poor behaviours in the workplace using ‘the cup of coffee conversation’ approach. This also avoids having to take a formal approach. If you can’t talk to the person directly, you can raise your concerns with your Line Manager or a Dignity and Respect at Work Ambassador. You can also report the incident to a Freedom to Speak Up Guardian or you can Call it Out here.
